Damn it feels good

Interesting fact: If I swim one hour at a rapid vigorous pace I burn somewhere between 978 to 1397 calories.
I now understand my cycle. I work out hard, get burned out take a day off, eat poorly, justify it with "I will start eating better tomorrow.". Of course this makes me feel bad for breaking my covenant with my self. In the dark places where I feel disappointed, I begin to believe that it is hopeless for me to do this. Of course in feeling hopeless I loose motivation to go to the gym to work out, so I take another day off then feel bad because I should have not taken the day off. Then I eat badly because it makes me feel better. That adds to the weight I am supposedly trying to drop. Now I feel like crap and am only gaining weight. Well this was the cycle I fell into this week. Saturday I went to sword fighting and thought about hitting the gym afterward but was so warn out when I sat down in my car that I did not make it. Sunday I was so "busy" that I did not go to the gym, because by the time I was about to go it was too late to get any time in before they closed. Monday I felt so bad about myself that I ran some errands and spent the evening at home vegging out and beating myself up for not going to the gym. Finally yesterday I made a move, and went to Steiner and swam for an hour. It was awesome, and also made me see the spiral that I get caught in. Today they close earlier, but I am not letting that stop me from working out.
It seems like when there is even something resembling a cause to come up with excuse I have taken it in the past. If I was not for sure how late something was open rather than finding out I just assumed that they would be closed by the time I would get there if I had some sort of cause for reasoning for not wanting to go. It all seems to stem from a feeling of low self esteem that I have always lived with. The irony is that in not feeling myself worthy I have perpetuated it all.
From here I have realized that this process of getting myself in shape is not purely a physical thing. It really is as much mental not just in having motivation to go to the gym to work out but also to work on self esteem and historical issues so when I emerge from loosing weight and it becomes a sustaining thing that I will have the mind set I desire as well. Who would have thought this would have brought up so many things?